Quiet lately

Feel quiet and out of words. Veddy strange for me! Jaden has been scared lately. Bad dreams and not wanting to go to her room by herself. Screams when the dog barks. She hates that. Giving her high doses of Inositol helps somewhat but not completely. At least she isn't picking her lips or fingers until they bleed anymore. Hey, there is some good news. The other day we went to a park on the other side of town. It is big and we hadn't visited it in a while and we finally got a warm, sunny day. We were excited to find several children there. The first children were smaller than Jaden but she was attracted to them so we went off to talk with them. She soon got bossy and though they wanted to interact, they also wanted to do things thier way, not hers, so we quickly looked for other children, who might (God, please) be unaffected by her differentness. (Is that a word? I know the sentence is too long.) She began to run to the other side of the playground, where the slides were bigger and the tire swing goes fast. There were several girls there about her age, and two women with a toddler boy. Everyone was happily laughing as Jaden ran in their direction and I followed behind, quietly asking God for mercy. She only had to open her mouth and speak about four words, and then....everything STOPPED. The girls looked from her to me and back to her, with wide eyes. Even the moms looked at me (though they were much cooler about trying to hide it) and the cute perfectly developing toddler boy (I am not in the least bit jealous) looked up at his mom for reassurance. (Autistic children don't look at thier moms for reassurance, so I knew this little guy was A-Ok.) I stood and tried to let the moment pass. I watched my girl and prayed she didn't feel the tension. It is impossible to know what she feels most days but I know God knows and I can ask if I wanna. She and I mosied over to the regular swings, after she tried one more time to talk to the children while they just stared, and she got on one and began pumping. I suddenly felt very weak and overwhelmed. I sat on the hot rubbery tire parts and leaned up against the cold bar of the swingset. I watched my girl go higher and higher, while she looked at the children and repeated some shows from TV. Tears slid down my cheeks and this time I didn't bother wiping them.