meltdown in the store

Not her--me. I didn't but I wanted to. Does that count?
I went out tonight to pick up a few things while Lance watched over Jaden and tucked her into bed. (watched a show, gave her supplements, brushed her teeth, got her out of the pantry five or so times, turned on her music, talked with her) Ok, be patient with me--I like details.
So I go to Publix and am walking near the whole-foods aisle. Most days I need to get at least one thing from there but tonight I didn't--I just had to walk that way to get to the front of the store. I walked slowly, not wanting to miss something important I might have been forgetting. I stopped at the gluten-free, soy-free, milk-free, nut-free cookies made by Enjoy Life. (They really are very delicious, if you ever find yourself having to cut out milk, gluten, soy and nuts from your diet--God help you) I don't know why I stopped--Jaden has some cookies in the pantry and didn't need anymore. My first thought was, "there are SO many choices now!" and "thank GOD for that!". Then I had a moment of panic. It happens every now and again. It is hard for me to describe it because whenever I have in the past, people just do not know what I am talking about. I had a moment of wanting to fall to my knees screaming. I felt trapped. I felt overwhelmed. I felt so stinkin' tired. I felt that if one person ever said a word to me about my child's behaviors, I would choke them. I felt shocked that 8 small cookies cost $4.99 and so many times my girl doesn't get cookies because of the cost. I felt defeated because she has been denied so many foods for nearly four years and her gut is still not healed. Again I wondered if I should be saving the money for the future instead, because my faith wavered and I pictured her being cared for by others when she is 40, and not by herself.
Who knows how long I stared at those cookies? It probably was only a minute--those thoughts really can come that quickly--but it felt like ten. I really, really, really want this ride to end, today.